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This article is a transcript of the Greatest Freakout Ever episode "How the Stephen Stole Christmas" from special, which aired on December 25, 2009.


  • Jack: Okay, it's Christmas morning, and it's 4:30, and I hid all Stephen's presents, and, it's pretty fun. (Jack goes upstairs, opens the door to Stephen's room and turns on the light) Stephen, it's Christmas.
  • Stephen: What?
  • Jack: It's time to get up and open presents.
  • Stephen: What time is it?
  • Jack: 4:30.
  • Stephen: Oh, my god. That's freakin' early.
  • Jack: Dude, come on. It doesn't matter.
  • Stephen: Why 4:30? (He gets up)
  • Jack: It doesn't matter. Come on, let's open the presents.
  • Stephen: I'll take a shower first.
  • Jack: No, no, mom said, mom said, uh, open them, right now. (Stephen walks to the top of the stairs and stops)
  • Stephen: Okay, where is mom and why do you have that video camera?
  • Jack: Well... Mom, is upstairs and...
  • Stephen: Do something stupid and I'll knock your teeth out cause that's all I'm saying. Don't do anything stupid. (He walks downstairs and towards the Christmas tree that is loaded with gifts)
  • Jack: I'm not doing...
  • Stephen: Yeah, whatever. You get that camera and something stupid happens.
  • Jack: Nothing's gonna happen, Stephen.
  • Stephen: Okay, whatever. I don't even know. I'm...
  • Jack: I'm just video taping, it's Christmas. I mean, seriously. Just start...
  • Stephen: Should I open them before she comes down?
  • Jack: Yeah, she's, she just said start opening them.
  • Stephen: You're just, no. You're lying.
  • Jack: No, I'm not, really, she said just start opening them.
  • Stephen: Okay. I'll sort them, and by the time she comes down. (He begins sorting the presents, not knowing that his presents have been hidden, and the other gifts are all for Jack) Here's yours. By the time she comes down, I'll be opening. You don't have to video tape me. Just sorting them.
  • Jack: It doesn't matter, Stephen.
  • Stephen: (Taking a large present and setting down on the floor) It's freakin' heavy. Those, those are yours. (Continues sorting the presents) This is yours. (Sighs, sounding depressed as usual) This is yours. Yours. (Takes a deep breath) Here's yours. Could I put yours on top or something?
  • Jack: I don't know what kind, man.
  • Stephen: (Looking through the presents) Okay, all these yours, all those yours. (He sees a very small present that is apparently for him from Jack) This is mine from you.
  • Jack: Yeah, I got it.
  • Stephen: See if I get each other ones?
  • Jack: I don't know, I just...
  • Stephen: I didn't get you one, 'cause no one ever told me, sorry.
  • Jack: Doesn't matter. I got you one.
  • Stephen: How?
  • Jack: Open it.
  • Stephen: I thought, okay. (He opens the present and finds that it's an empty condom box and he reads the brand and description) Trojan Ultra Thin.
  • Jack: Yeah.
  • Stephen: Those heads from no pleasure? Okay... And it's empty. (He opens the box, lifts it up to his face and smells the inside of it) Why? Why is it empty, and why did you get me condoms? (Tosses the box aside)
  • Jack: Why did you smell it?
  • Stephen: I don't know. (Picks up another one of Jack's presents) Why are these all yours? (Sets it down with the others on the other side of the floor) Okay, those are all yours. Where are mine at? Yeah. You were playing a joke, Jack. I'm not to play a joke unless you get me, unless you get me my presents.
  • Jack: But, dude, seriously, I don't know where they are. I didn't, I didn't hide your presents.
  • Stephen: (Shrugs) Alrighty. (Stacks the presents for Jack that were sorted earlier)
  • Jack: Stephen, what are you doing? Stephen, seriously, stop. (Stephen leaves behind a very small present for Jack on the chair) Stephen, come on. (Stephen starts carrying the other presents to the back door in the den while Jack follows him) Stephen.
  • Stephen: Dude, shut up.
  • Jack: Stop.
  • Stephen: You trying to impress people for it.
  • Jack: I'm not trying to impressing anybody. Well, that's Christmas.
  • Stephen: I'm sorry, Jack, this is what happens.
  • Jack: Come on. (Stephen sets the presents down in order to open the back door)
  • Stephen: This is what happens.
  • Jack: What are you doing?
  • Stephen: This is what happens. (Opens the door and picks the presents back up) You touch me, and I'll freakin' get you. Don't touch me. (Carrying the presents outside)
  • Jack: Where are you taking the?... That's, Stephen, you can't take the presents outside, they'll get all... (Stephen walks down the steps leading from the porch down to the grass) what are you doing? Dude, my socks are getting wet. Stephen, where are you going? (Stephen sets the presents down just a few feet away from the steps) Why are you putting them out there?
  • Stephen: (Starts walking back to the porch) You wanna tell me?
  • Jack: Tell you...
  • Stephen: There's no chance.
  • Jack: Tell you what?
  • Stephen: Where mine are? (Jack starts backing up as Stephen approaches)
  • Jack: I didn't hide your presents.
  • Stephen: Put the camera down, put the camera down. (Both Jack and Stephen are now back inside the den and Stephen leaves the back door open as he walks through the den while Jack follows him yet again)
  • Jack: No, I'm not gonna put the camera down. Stephen, because, this isn't one of those, I'm not trying to pull anything on you, okay? (Stephen trips like an idiot but catches himself on the wall and he just continues walking through the hall and into the living room) Oh, you almost fell! Ooh! (Stephen kicks a present away) Dude, stop kicking the presents. (Stephen moves a present or two aside and he unplugs the Christmas tree lights)
  • Stephen: Wanna mess with me?
  • Jack: Dude, what are you doing with the Christmas tree? Come on. Stephen, really, stop.
  • Stephen: You take away my presents, I'll take away...
  • Jack: I didn't take away your presents. (Stephen picks up the tree, not caring that many ornaments are falling off) Stephen, put the Christmas, Stephen, crap is falling off of it. Dude, Stephen, seriously, wh- come on! Dude, mom and dad are gonna be mad. (Stephen is carrying the tree through the hall and into the den) Dude, stop! Stephen, put, Stephen, seriously, come on, you're taking, you're taking it too far. (Stephen is now holding the tree upside down) Come on! Stephen, this isn't one of those pranks, seriously. (Stephen takes the tree with him outside the back door of the den)
  • Stephen: Oh, mom and dad just forgot to give me...
  • Jack: Why are you putting all the crap outside?
  • Stephen: Mom and dad just forgot to give me presents, you freakin' retard. (Walks down the steps and into the grass, not caring that the tree is falling apart and being dragged like a blanket across the porch)
  • Jack: Presents? Presents? You don't even know how to say the words.
  • Stephen: That's what happens. Mom and Dad forgot to give me presents.
  • Jack: I don't know.
  • Stephen: The crap is for me anyway.
  • Jack: Dude, this... why are you putting all that crap outside? (Stephen lays the broken tree down with Jack's presents in the grass) Seriously? (Stephen walks back up the steps and onto the porch and walks towards the covered up BBQ grill) Come on, it's cold out here, why can't we just take the stuff back inside, and th- Stephen? (Stephen grabs the bottle of lighter fluid and the lighter on top of the grill) No, dude, really, stop, stop, stop! Stephen, stop! (Jack manages to stop Stephen before he reaches the grass)
  • Stephen: Don't touch me! Don't touch me.
  • Jack: Stephen, stop.
  • Stephen: Unless you want to get punched in the face...
  • Jack: Stephen, come on.
  • Stephen: (Forcefully pushes Jack away and starts walking back to the pile on the grass) I would suggest you don't touch me.
  • Jack: Come on! Dude, stop!
  • Stephen: Tell me where they are, tell me where they are. I swear to god.
  • Jack: I didn't hide them!
  • Stephen: Everything.
  • Jack: Stephen, I don't have it. Stop! Stephen, stop! Come on! Dude, cut it out!! (In the inky blackness of the night, Stephen starts laying down a layer of lighter fluid on the pile) What are you doing, are you squirting freaking charcoal crap on there? Co- Stephen, stop.
  • Stephen: Nope. Tell me. (Igniting the lighter to show Jack how serious he is)
  • Jack: You won't do it.
  • Stephen: I swear to god.
  • Jack: No.
  • Stephen: I swear to god.
  • Jack: You won't do it.
  • Stephen: I swear to freaking god.
  • Jack: You won't do it. (Stephen tries to light the fire, but fails a few times) You won't, you won't do it, Stephen. You don't even know how to light a lighter. You can't do it. (After a few more tries, the lighter ignites the lighter fluid, setting the presents and the Christmas tree ablaze) Stephen, whoa, hey, Stephen! Stop! (Stephen reaches for the bottle of lighter fluid and goes to town on spreading the flames) Stephen! Stephen, STOP!!!
  • Stephen: No, tell me where they are!
  • Jack: STEPHEN, REALLY, PUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW! PUT IT OUT RIGHT NOW!!!
  • Stephen: No!
  • Jack: STEPHEN!
  • Stephen: Screw off! (Jack tries to stop Stephen but Stephen overpowers Jack) Come near me, and I swear to god!
  • Jack: Stephen, put it OUT!!!
  • Stephen: No.
  • Jack: YOU'RE BURNING THE FREAKING PRESENTS!!!
  • Stephen: Yeah, Merry Christmas, faggot. Merry Christmas. That's what happens.
  • Jack: Dude, you can't just burn a tree like that. Stephen! Seriously, you don't think you're taking this whole thing. Like... get away from me, dude.
  • Stephen: No, I missed the top part of it. (Lays down the last layer of lighter fluid on the burning pile)
  • Jack: What's wrong with you?
  • Stephen: That's good. Go, give me the camera. (Jack runs inside and locks Stephen out of the house) Give me the camera!
  • Jack: Dang it!
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