Stephen Meets John Leguizamo (Transcript)

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This article is a transcript of the Greatest Freak Out Ever episode "Stephen Meets John Leguizamo" from special, which aired on February 7, 2011.

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• Jack: Hey, I'm backstage with John Leguizamo's new show, called "Ghetto Klown." And, he invited us backstage, because uh, he heard about, Stephen seeing his parody and, apparently, he didn't think that Stephen wasn't too happy with it so this is way I'm making up. (turns the camera around) So, uh, figure he might be around here.
• Aaron: Just at the other end of the hall. Uh, welcome, uh, thanks for driving all the way. Uh, we're just gonna see if John's... we're gonna keep it short because he's got a lot of, uh, a lot of people are gonna sign books and whatnot.
• Cameraman: (In the office) What's situation in there why was wh...
• John Leguizamo: I just wanted get photos for that, I don't have a lot of photos... really I want to show her cause she's a beautiful woman. And I want to show up in the best have come me photos that, maybe when I take out of like decades ago.
• Cameraman: It seems like she's... (Aaron knocking the door)
• John Leguizamo: Oh, okay. Uh, who's there?
• Aaron: Hey, John, I'm here, uh, I got new with the uh, the freak out kids.
• John Leguizamo: Oh, yeah, come on in man, come in. Bring them in.
• Cameraman: This is, will pick up afterwards though. (the door opens and the family walks into the room while John sits in a nice chair)
• John Leguizamo: Hey, what's up, fellas, how are you?
• Jack: Hey.
• John Leguizamo: Glad you came down.
• Jack: It's nice to meet you. (Shaking John's hands)
• John Leguizamo: How's a going?
• Jennifer: Hi, nice to meet you, you're show was great.
• John Leguizamo: Oh, thank you, thank you.
• Jennifer: That's really, really funny.
• David: That's fantastic.
• John Leguizamo: How's a going?
• Stephen: 4 out of 10.
• John Leguizamo: 4 out of 10, what?
• Stephen: On your show.
• John Leguizamo: Oh, you a critic, too. (Chuckles) That's okay. 4 out of 10, that's all I get then, all that physically of the jokes and the voices. Can you do voices?
• Stephen: Mediocre. No. I have my own, I don't need somebody else's. He said they're asking me I don't...
• David: Just leave it over.
• Jennifer: It, it was, it was great. Don't listen to him.
• David: Okay, you're show is great.
• Jennifer: Yeah, and it was really funny.
• David: We loved it.
• John Leguizamo: I did talk to this again.
• David: Had a great time.
• Jennifer: We liked it.
• John Leguizamo: The pants ripped on the way I guess, huh?
• Stephen: No, they're fine.
• John Leguizamo: (laughs) It's time to sit you up, son. And they that, what's your name?
• Jack: Jack.
• John Leguizamo: Jack? It's to meet you.
• Stephen: It was still loosing me up.
• John Leguizamo: Just get up a little bit. What's some way, guys, want some water so you want to little water? (touching Stephen)
• Stephen: (recoiling) Don't, touch me!
• John Leguizamo: Whoa, whoa, whoa, easy son.
• Stephen: Why do people always... no. No, you saw him touching.
• Jennifer: You just be nice and he asked you like, if you want to some water.
• Stephen: No, he said, do want some water, touch. He didn't say, "Do you want some water?"
• John Leguizamo: Oh, I was trying.
• Stephen: He touched, too.
• David: Oh, please, come on.
• John Leguizamo: Yeah, some people do. We have people who are very touchy-feely.
• Stephen: Okay, well I'm not laughing I'm not touching and fillly and I don't want to get filly on me.
• John Leguizamo: Filly? Or Feely?
• Stephen: Oh, my god, I s...
• John Leguizamo: (laughing) No, I'm just trying to... I understand his accent, he has an accent. He doesn't talk like me. He talks like... are you...
• Stephen: (mockingly) Yeah, I don't talk like you. (Normal voice) Yeah, I know I don't. I'm glad I don't.
• John Leguizamo: You have like, a S-, uh, that's a cool Southern accent. You're from Virginia right, Aaron?
• Aaron: Oh, yeah, I'm from Virginia.
• John Leguizamo: (chuckles)
• Stephen: They're just making fun of me.
• John Leguizamo: No, no dude that I'm not making fun of you! (Touching Stephen again)
• Stephen: (recoils) STOP!!!! Touching me! (goes ballistic and trashes the office)
• John Leguizamo: I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Oh, okay, easy, easy, son!
• Stephen: Just stop touching me!
• Jennifer: Stephen, cut it out.
• John Leguizamo: Okay, now you're gonna have to go, buddy.
• Stephen: Yeah, I don't care.
• Jennifer: You know what?
• John Leguizamo: No, no, no. That'll...
• Stephen: Oh. No, you're such an honor.
• John Leguizamo: I'm not fighting anymore, I'm sorry.
• Stephen: You such an honor.
• Jennifer: He just...
• John Leguizamo: Sorry, now you gotta go, buddy.
• Jennifer: Come back here?
• Stephen: Okay.
• Jennifer: I'm really, really sorry. (Shaking John's hands)
• David: Good show, man.
• Jennifer: Yeah, it was awesome.
• John Leguizamo: Sorry, man, I gotta be on to me to start.
• Stephen: Talk to the hand.
• Jennifer: Go, over on.
• John Leguizamo: That's my sister used to say, talk to the hand. My sister used to say that.
• Aaron: That guy really is creepy.
• Jack: (Laughing, then stops recording his camera and goes away)
• John Leguizamo: Whoa, there's something over there, man.
• Cameraman: Close the door.
• John Leguizamo: Call security. Are you... the f***?
• Aaron: What did I do?
• John Leguizamo: Don't be the woman, man, don't call the security.
• Aaron: What am I supposed to do?
• John Leguizamo: You better then.
• Aaron: I mean, I don't wanna...
• John Leguizamo: That's crazy.
• Stephen: I'm not going.
• John Leguizamo: Go, get, d'oh, too, I'm, I gotta I gonna I can't get outta here, I got, I gotta s*** to do.
• Cameraman: What the hell?
• John Leguizamo: Boy. 'Cause I made a vacation out there you just gotta get the right mix. You know I made if you had a wrong mix that's what... it doesn't take a lot you know, maybe you should use it, you always have a, prozac and every solve for hand me. In the room before he comes in.